Be Kind to Yourself: Practical Exercises for Calm
In this article you will learn step by step how to cultivate a gentle, kind attitude toward yourself using compassion and mindfulness. We explain what the three-system brain model means for your emotions and behavior, and provide simple exercises that support the functioning of the oxytocin system and the limbic system. You will also learn how a friendly letter to yourself can help you speak in a safer, warmer voice toward yourself.
Three Systems of Our Thinking and Feeling
A good understanding of how our brain works helps you look at yourself more kindly. In Compassion Focused Therapy, an approach that focuses on kindness toward yourself, three main systems are discussed: the threat or alarm system, which watches for danger; the drive or goal-directed system, which motivates you and seeks rewards; and the soothing or reassurance system, which provides safety, care, and calm. When the threat or drive systems are frequently active, self-criticism and stress can take over. By strengthening the soothing system, there is more room to observe emotions without panicking. Importantly, this is not simply a theory laid out in a list, but a practical framework you can apply step by step. The soothing system works together with the limbic system and helps regulate emotions, while the oxytocin system — the hormone of connection and trust — can also surge when you are honest and kind to yourself. This sets the foundation for a friendly, supportive relationship with yourself.
Compassion Breathing and Mindfulness: Calm in Daily Life
A powerful and accessible exercise is compassion breathing, using your breath as an anchor while you speak gentle words to yourself. Sit or lie comfortably, drop your shoulders, and slowly inhale through the nose while whispering the words: I am here with you. Pause briefly and exhale slowly while saying to yourself: It is okay as it is right now. Do this for a few minutes, gradually building up to five to ten minutes. Mindfulness goes a step further by giving attention to what is happening in the moment, without judgment. Observe breath, bodily sensations, sounds and thoughts as if you were a curious bystander. Through this practice you train the limbic system to react less to every stimulus and actively strengthen the soothing system, which in turn can stimulate the oxytocin system and promote a sense of safety. As a result you can allow emotions to arise without getting swept away by them.
A Friendly Letter to Yourself: Speaking as You Would Advise a Friend
Write a short, friendly letter to yourself as if you were writing to a dear friend. Start with acknowledgment: what is happening for you right now, and how heavy this can feel at times? You can then express concrete support, for example: You do not have to carry this alone; I am here for you, and I believe in your resilience. End with something encouraging and loving. Writing such a letter activates the sense of connection and trust, which stimulates the oxytocin system and contributes to a calming response in the limbic system. Use this exercise regularly, for example when you notice self-criticism creeping in or when stress is high.
Integrating into Daily Rituals: Practical Application and Maintenance
Connect the three systems to daily situations: when you notice you are getting tense, pause briefly and ask yourself which system is active. Is the feeling of threat large? If so, first activate the compassion breathing and repeat kind phrases to yourself. Then use the friendly letter to yourself as a reference when criticism takes over. By practicing regularly, the capacity of the soothing system grows and it becomes easier to recognize and accept emotions without suppressing them. The oxytocin system responds positively to care and connection, which strengthens the calming effect; the limbic system learns in the long term that emotions can be experienced without danger and that you can create safety by applying kindness. In this way you gradually build inner calm and resilience, even on busy days, without punishing yourself or letting fear freeze you.
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